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We BECOME what we make FUN of…..

Leslie Brown

Growing up in the home of a nurse with fluid retention has its challenges, like finding any actual SALT in your home.

Another challenge is your mom going on these gourmet-club inspired “spice kicks” in an effort to make up for the lack of taste, um, I mean salt in the food; the most memorable being the “The Celery Seed Kick.” If you have to make a salt map, for school, you are just pretty much scre*ed. Hint: It’s in the company china salt and paper shakers in the faux Mediterranean buffet.

Oh how I love salt! It must kinda be like the “preacher’s kid” phenomenon, you know, the whole Footloose plot, but my dancing and shaking was with a salt shaker. My family has joked for years about how I should just tie a “salt-lick” around my neck for convenience. Olives (green AND black), capers, even anchovies, I love em’ all……or USED to.

I’m Irish and Native. Not quite sure exactly HOW much Native, but enough to get EVERY bad genetic trait they carry possible except alcoholism and somehow strangely NONE of the melanin. Lactose intolerant: “check”, barrel-chested: “check “(makes undergarment shopping let’s say, fun), no arse at all: “check” (think “scraped smooth clean off” or went down a 40 grit sandpaper slide) and HYPERTENSION: “check”. Scary, renal- failure- in –your- 50’s-hypertension if you don’t watch it. My eyes decided to “split the difference” genetically, so my eyes are greenish-brown.

Oh yes, I had almost fifty sweet, sweet blissful years of eating whatever I bloody well pleased since I ate relatively healthy, am not overweight and workout daily. But the Ruffles and French onion dip party had to end sometime I suppose. I now have to follow a LOW SODIUM DIET. Those are probably the worst three words put together in the English language except OUT OF ORDER on a toilet when you have a bad case of the runs.

No wonder I loved Campbell’s Split Pea Soup? Do you know how much evil sodium is in there???? Yes, I have BECOME my mother. I now read can labels like a defense lawyer looking for a loop-hole or technicality with which to get a client off of death row. Oh, if I had known the debauchery had to come to an end! This NU SALT product is cra%! I want my OLD salt back!!! My cousin Christy and I used to make fun of our moms for splitting baked potatoes all of the time. No wonder they did. What’s the point of them without tons of salt?

I mean seriously, I’m already gyped outta dairy, now salt? Really? Movies are already two hours of sitting still, and now, no greasy-to- the-point-of-soggy, salty popcorn? No jerky, no Chicken ‘n a Biscuit crackers, no Lipton Cream of Chicken soup from the envelope? Hey, come to think about it I think that’s how they make Chicken ‘n Biscuit crackers…..they take buttery yummy crackers and COAT them in that sweet, savory, savory powder. That’s just not right.

On the plus side, the diuretic I’m on now has exposed just a hint of Cherokee cheekbones that have been hiding in the Irish/Kennedy-esque cheeks and revealed the fact that I inherited my dad’s “trucker bladder”. I also discovered it was just ME that was hot, and that not everyone had their heater on “nursing home hot” as my brother would say.

I spend a disproportionate amount of my ever-dwindling life these days it seems looking for my READING GLASSES. My husband intimated that I am too vain to wear them around my neck, and he is right. If I did that I might as well just say “The h*ll with it!” put on a pair of SAS shoes, start driving a Buick and wearing a t-shirt that says “Number One Nana” (and I am not even a grandmother). No thanks, although I have recently considered poking some silk flowers in the ground in front of the boxwood hedges in the front yard.

At least I’m getting some exercise while I walk all over the house looking for my glasses. Sadly, many times they were on top of my rapidly growing gray head the whole time. And listen here missies, (referring to my daughters) someday you TOO will “ration” your gum by tearing it in two also, and talk in an ear piercingly shrill voice in the mornings just to annoy your children and rile up the dog.

old man dressed

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